Just wanted you to know I have entered the ‘snapdragon' part of my life. Part of me has snapped . . . . and the rest of me is draggin.

I never go forth to meet a new day
Without asking God as I kneel down to pray
To give me the strength and courage to be
As patient with others as He is with me!
Anonymous

A church-goer wrote a letter to the editor of a local newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So I think I am wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."

This started a real controversy in the 'Letters to the Editor' column, much to the delight of the Editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher : " I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But for the life of me I can't recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this: they all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me those meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!"

Author unknown

When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes; when you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours. That's relativity.

Albert Einstein

When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.

"Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"

The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger!"

A member of a choir is bragging before some of the newer members in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for £500,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.

Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money then?"

Father : "Do you think our son gets all his brains from me?"

Mother : "Probably. I still have all of mine."

A man spent many years as a drunkard and a layabout. But through the Salvation Army, he turned to the Lord and his life gradually changed. At Sunday service he became well known for his prayers - like this one, perhaps a little strange, but full of truth: "Lord, we ain't what we want to be, we ain't what we ought to be, and we ain't what we're gonna be, but praise Thee, Lord, we ain't what we used to be!"

One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbour about her son, a college student.

"Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."

"You're lucky," the neighbour said. "every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
- That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"
- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich . . . ."
- That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me". She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
- That's Customer Feedback.

The Archbishop of Canterbury decided to go fishing.

He was spending a pleasant day out with some friends in a boat on a lake when he realised he'd left his lunch on the bank, so he got out of the boat, walked across the water to the shore, collected his sandwiches & walked back to it again.

The newspaper headlines the following day read : "Archbishop can't swim!"

Nothing used to annoy me more than old aunts who were forever coming up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, "You're next."

They soon stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

There are many ‘Pinot' wines on the market: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio are but a few.

There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older man has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing this new wine as . . . .
Pinot More!

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment Anon.

Anon

A person who says he believes in God but never goes to church is like one who says he believes in education but never goes to school.

Franklin C Fry

A linguistics professor is lecturing to his class.

"In English," he says, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

Just then a voice from the back of the room pipes up, "Yeah, right!"

Life is a bit like a toilet roll. The nearer you get to the end . . . . the quicker it seems to run out!

Anon

Anon

L Ravenhill

CHOIR : A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.

HYMN : A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN : The last song at a church service, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

JONAH : The original "Jaws" story.

AMEN : The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

No wonder the men of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, it seems, they wouldn't ask for directions!

Time spent on the knees in prayer will do more to remedy heart strain and nerve worry than anything else.
G D Stewart

A golfing priest, after having been beaten by an elderly parishioner, returned to the club-house somewhat depressed.

"Cheer up," said the layman. "Remember, you'll eventually be burying me some day."

"Yes," said the priest, "but even then it will be your hole!"

We talk about heaven being so far away. It is within speaking distance to those who belong there.
D L Moody

Christians may not see eye to eye, but they can walk arm in arm.
Anon.

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course - we left that an hour ago!"

Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

'Consider the postage stamp. Its usefulness consists in its ability to stick to one thing until it gets there.'

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

People call at 9pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate than the local weather service.

Secrets are safe with your friends - they can't remember them either.

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Golfer : "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy : "It's not a watch, sir - it's a compass".

Abraham is trying to load Windows 95 onto his computer. His son, Isaac, walks in and says, "What on earth are you doing? You can't load Windows 95 onto your computer! You need at least a 486 with 14 meg. of hard drive whereas you have only a 386 with no available memory!"

To which Abraham replies, "Don't worry, son . . . God will provide the RAM."

1. I was made to wash as a child.

2. People who wash are hypocrites - they reckon they are cleaner than other people.

3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I could never decide which one was right.

4. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.

5. I still wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.

6. None of my friends wash.

7. I'm still young. When I'm older and have got a bit dirtier I might start washing.

8. I really don't have the time.

9. The bathroom's never warm enough.

10. People who make soap are only after your money.

. . . . and we all need a personal friendship with Jesus, too. The need may not be quite so obvious, but it's there all the same.

Jesus can do something soap and water can never do. He can make us clean ON THE INSIDE! . . . . and that can't be bad!!

Like to know how He does it? We'd be glad to explain - without any flannel or soft soap!

Golfer : "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world"

Caddy : "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

1. Don't miss the boat.

2. Remember that we're all in the same boat.

3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

5. Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

6. Build your future on high ground.

7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

8. Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

9. When you're stressed, float a while.

10. No matter how bad the storm, when you are with God there's always a rainbow waiting.

Golfer : "How do you like my game?"
Caddy : "Very good, sir, but personally I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

If you feel a failure because you don't get everything on your list done each week, don't worry - the only person who ever got everything done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe!

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA - only we see stars, too!"

Golfer : "Do you think it's a sin to play golf on Sunday? Caddy : "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

A few moments later this was delivered by a bell-boy. Looking at the charge-slip which was presented with it, my friend was so appalled by the amount shown he called room service and raged, "I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for a bottle of water is ridiculous!"

"The water is complimentary," the voice at the other end coolly explained. "I believe what you are complaining about is your room number!"

War is a tragedy which commonly destroys the stage it is acted on.
(Matthew Henry)

Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind.
(John F. Kennedy)

Love is the only thing that can be divided without being diminished